also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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