i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
