She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
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the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
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The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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