see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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