Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
