Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
