Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
