There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
