Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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