John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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