It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
