I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
