I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
