I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
