oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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