I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
