I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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