He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
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