what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
