The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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