I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I looked at my own cervix.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Randomize
