Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
