Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
