just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
