I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
