Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm at about main and main street
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
