Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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