I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
