good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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