she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Your cock deserves a montage
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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