You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
