I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
