I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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