ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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