An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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