I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
