Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
