im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
