Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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