he puts the penis in happiness.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?