What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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