I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
