I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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