apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
