I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
