Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
