She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Are these your boobs on my camera?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
