Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
