I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking