2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
