thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
