We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
