pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
