I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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