I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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